Finally interested in doing something useful with this, and instead of wasting time creating a new account, I’ll start it up on here. I’m going to just post stuff about politics, religion, and philosophy and the like all up on here. Mostly my beliefs, or beliefs I agree somewhat with or disagree with, or whatever.

As a constant user of the internet, I’m constantly concerned with the various going ons of companies and governments trying to regular internet usage. As a general rule, I’ve noticed that governments are fairly conservative in their views of what the internet should/should NOT be used for.

That’s what I take issue with. While I’m insecure about how safe I am using the internet, I go into it expecting and understanding that information that exists, almost in any medium, can be published, taken, distributed, remade, redone, stolen, or any number of things without my knowledge or consent. What frustrates me is that so many users of the net, and so many politicians and law-makers don’t quite grasp that. The internet, while a privilege, is also a tool. It’s a tool to be used by anyone for anything they can make it do. So trying to prevent anyone from doing anything on the internet is like telling you to use your car but there’s no battery in it. Pretty much useless, except superficially. I mean you can’t quite tell it’s useless until you really try driving the damn thing, and when you realize it won’t turn on, well, then you’re stuck. But at that point the government has hidden batteries so far out of anyone’s reach that no one can drive the car and it’s a piece of useless garbage. mayhap that’s a little extreme, but I think people could understand where I’m going with this…

Censorship should be a more absolute thing. Either don’t let someone use the web at all, or let them use it fully. Restricting it half-way is just ridiculous and not grounds anyone should stand for.  I know not every user is benevolent on the internet, and given the chance, I’d do some not-so-nice things as well, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t have the freedom to figure out how to do that, or even do it if I so choose. It should be my right to do whatever I want on the internet with little to no consequence, because the understanding should be that when you’re on the internet, nothing you put out there, not even your words, are truly yours anymore. Money, knowledge, power. It’s an illusion that you may gain from the internet, but if you’ve invested any of yourself in here, you’ve already lost your rights to holding that, and there’s a chance someone might take those things from you. (Aside from your personal knowledge)

Meh, I’ll get better at ranting about this shit, but you see my point.

i’ve fallen in love

fallen out of grace

gotten stuck in a foreign country

and felt like i was still in a foreign country here at home.

i spent two weeks at france and i’ve never felt such separation from the rest of the world. i guess the language barrier is pretty large and all. but apart from that, it was just a spiritual experience. i enjoyed myself, however lonely i was. though the disturbing part was, even though i was coming home to a country where everyone spoke my language… or the one i was raised to speak, i still feel so gorram alone. it’s very frustrating. i kinda hate it, honestly.

I miss a lot about france. france was beautiful. parts of it. other parts were very urban. which were beautiful in their own right. i suppose it was My realization that my country was equally as beautiful, it’s just the mindset i had on my way over. perhaps that filtered over to the feeling alone. i have an illusion that people understand me. that i understand myself, and that things are okay and such… and thats frustrating… i hate that idea, that i’m only confused into thinking i’m communicating, when really, this isn’t how i feel, it’s how i think i should feel and how you think i feel based on how i express myself. often my expressions are misinterpreted and frustratingly enough, that can and does have real conciquences.

obviously english is a very improper language… i need to find something more… personal. at least for me…..

i quit facebook.

debating quitting myspace.. might so as well.

sleep tight everyone.

And struggling to keep it all together is very hard. I want to get everything done. I need to release some of the things that really aren’t benefitting me. I’m not sure how to do it. I’m having trouble.

I need help.

But thats alright. I won’t find it.

It’s frustrating to not be able to do what I want. I need… a calmer… surrounding. Need calmer inhabitants of the habitat that I call my life. My social life and otherwise. People need to chill the fuck out. Because I can’t chill the fuck out if noone else is chilling the fuck out.

I’m going a little crazy. About this. It’s bothering me. But thats alright.

My mind is conflicting with itself. I need to get some sleep. But sleep will..

I don’t know.

I will get some sleep. Soon. As soon as I figure things out.

That may be months.

I’ll close my eyes and rest though, until then. I need to. I will get sleep eventually. Reconstruction. It will occur.

I need it to. That habitat isn’t suitible for me. Not in the form it is now. It’s painful. Strikingly so. The likeness.

My struggles are larger, but my stress is lower. Hope? Perhaps the lack of it is crushing me. And I accept it and don’t bother trying. But here, where I have had time, my environment is slowly being molded. Soon. Some day. Maybe. If I’m lucky. I need to work on it.

I need to give myself time.

She won’t.

I love her. And her. And her. And her. And her. And her. And her. And sleep. And organization. And her. And oraganization. Organs.

A part of it all… sleeping.

Some day it will awaken. Rage, of course, is a part of it all. Rage forced in every direction, not knowing where to point. It’s beautiful. Hatred. Love.

Love for yourself.

Love,yourself.

I love you.

Love,

Courtney

Oh well..
<3  

I still don’t know how large my viewer base is, but I’m going to start using this blog for quite a few things. Not only like a bit of a personal Journal, but I’ll do some computer related subjects, do some statements on certain issues I find important, state some of my views. I’m into philosophy and psychology, so I suppose some of that kinda stuff will be inserted as well.
But lets start this from the beginning. I’ve posted some stuff before this, but while I’ll leave it up, I don’t really like what I posted before. But I suppose I’ll live.

Lets DO THIS:

I just recently started listening to emo music again. Not entirely sure what that means… I was slowly moving towards more happy music, but then suddenly I drop back to this… I mean, not that I mind. I love it, and wouldn’t listen to it if I didn’t. But I have to wonder what I feel I’m getting out of this. I wonder if I’m trying to relate to all these emo songs… I doubt it.
Hah, I just looked up emo on Wikipedia, and then looked at the list of “emo” bands. Say Anything? All-American Rejects?
These both never sounded emo to me.. okay, a few of thier songs have been less than happy, but still. Never accused them of being “emo bands”.
And I wonder why Apple hasn’t added “emo” to it’s dictionary yet. It hasn’t quite caught on with popular culture, even though teenagers are a big fan-base. Unusual. I wonder if the Oxford English Dictionary honestly has added emo yet. I wouldn’t be surprised since the word is in such wide use. It has been for the past like, 8 years. Though the genre existed before then, no one really used it. Though its moved from being an insult to being a badge of pride for some kids. To others, its just a mood you get in. Thats what it is for me. I get emo, or overly emotional quite easily. Though recently I’ve been trying my best just to keep my chin up.

Speaking of recent changes…
I recently found motivation. I found motivation to change who I am for myself and for the others I love. And I think I’m truely in love. I finally realized I want to go to med school. It’s the only thing I want to do besides be with Annie, my girlfriend. But sadly, the latter may be less that possible. She’s discouraged. She tried to very hard the first 3/4 of our relationship, and I was less than enthusiastic. I didn’t understand how much I liked her and how much she liked me. I didn’t honestly respect that amount of love she gave me. And now I feel like shit. Because I want to return that kinda love. But she’s… kinda pushing me away. I hope it’s not for real. I honestly hope it’s not for real. Because I truly want her to love me like she used to, if not more. I want her to want me again… I want to fix this. Because I’m not interested in anyone else. My previous relationships have muddled this one though. I’ve spit so much bullshit that now my real words don’t mean a thing to anyone. The boy who cried fucken wolf… >.>
I’m certainly cross at myself. I’m destroying myself slowly, with all my faults coming up. But I need to work to fix this regardless if it helps or not. She deserves it. And I need it. I need to be better. I won’t be able to do… anything in the future if I don’t start fixing myself now. If I don’t start learning and growing. The world deserves a better me. I know I can be better. I will be better.
A sociopath, and so obviously one of my feelings is of absolute superiority. But I need to prove that. I need to actively prove to everyone that I am as good as I think I am. I need to be perfect, not just fake it. I can’t slack and be the best at the same time. It doesn’t work that way. I won’t get what I want, and nor will anyone else. Annie deserves my perfection more than anyone, and so she shall receive it. I will be my own god.

I’ll write of my views on god next time. Some people already know it. But… we’ll see.

Everyone, find your motivation, and use it to better yourself. Don’t waste your time moping.

With Love and Concern,

Caldwell

Frustratingly so.

I need a vacation.

A break.

A break from you.

From me.

From us.

From my room.

From my friends.

From my life.

A vacation to you.

To myself.

To us.

To my room.

To my friends.

To my life.

Isolation is my vacation.

I need to isolate, separate, then congregate, assimilate, calculate and sum up the parts.

Or just destroy it all and start over.

Start from one part.

To the other.

I don’t have time.

Give me time.

Thats what I want.

Time.

Time

Time

Time

Time….

I’ve made a post about it earlier. You can figure out which one. A lot of my posts are incoherent, or something like that.

This will stay up.

Facebook is already down.

AIM will be around for 1 hour a day for the next month. 

Then, starting in November, to be exact, 2 hours a week, only on Saturdays. Contact me to figure out when and schedual a time.

I have begun to use cspace.

Ask me about it if you care to know.

Contact me through my email, courtneycc@me.com

I’ll get back to you, soon enough.

I’ll start posting here more often.

I’m working on adding photos and such.

I’ll let you know more places you can find me.